Revelations
by saltedshotgun
Summary: Today is supposed to be their last day in Purgatory. Dean offers and Castiel decides to be selfish.


**Revelations**  
Castiel, Dean, Benny. Dean/Cas.

_Summary:_ Today is supposed to be their last day in Purgatory. Dean offers and Castiel decides to be selfish.  
_Notes:_ Fic is unbeta'd, english is not my first language.  
_Disclaimer:_ I only wish they were mine.

* * *

Dean - probably for the first time in a long time, judging by his bloodshot eyes - falls asleep soundly and unafraid. His head is pillowed on Cas's shoulder, his hands clasped loosely in his own lap. He's likely to end up sore and aching when he wakes up, but Dean doesn't look like he cares; his face is untroubled, body twisted in unnatural angles.

Cas does care. Once Dean slip fully into unconsciousness he grabs him by the shoulders and slowly lowers him into his lap. He twist himself so that Dean's comfortably resting against his stomach, curled in on himself.

Cas can feel the exhaustion rolling off Dean in almost visible waves – he's ashen and pale, too thin. Cas traces his thumb softly over the dark circles under Dean's eyes; Dean's lashes flutter as he puffs out a content breath.

"Huh," Benny says. Cas lets his hand fall away, feeling foolish that he let himself get caught so off-guard around the vampire. "Oh, no no no," Benny says then, his breathy accent grating on Cas's nerves already. "Don't mind me, just keep going. He obviously trusts you, because I haven't seen him asleep for more than minutes at the time." They stay silent for a second, and then Benny adds, "God knows why he does, though. Seeing how you abandoned him and all."

Something ugly twists inside of Cas and he turns to glare at the vampire. He musters all the wrath of Heaven that's left in him and says, "I wouldn't expect you to."

Dean jerks a little in his sleep, frowning.

Benny looks taken aback – after all, Castiel may be weakened and weary, but he still is an angel. A creature more powerful than anything they could meet in Purgatory, except perhaps the Leviathan.

He holds Benny's gaze for several second before looking away.

Benny exhales in relief.

Dean wakes three hours later. Cas tries to get him to sleep some more but Dean blinks sluggishly at him and smiles a little.

"Nah, I'm good," is all he says as he gets up, brushing the dirt and dead leaves from his back. "Anyway, we need to get going. The sooner we're out of here, the better."

"Yes," is all Castiel replies and from the corner of his eye sees Benny smirk at him. It's not difficult for him to read the vampire's mind – he's excited, morbidly so, because he believes that Castiel won't be able to pass through the portal.

It shouldn't matter. Castiel himself knows that he won't be able to go through, that he _won't_ go through; that is not what worries him. It's the creature that is supposed to go with Dean that Castiel is concerned about. He would kill the vampire if they didn't need him, but they do – Dean needs Benny to show him the way out because not even Cas, with all his knowledge and wisdom and experience, knows the directions. Benny, in exchange, needs Dean to carry him out.

It's Castiel who doesn't fit into this equation and knowing this would be so much easier if Dean wasn't so evidently glad that Cas is with him. It elevates him, in a way – for the first time Dean believes in something. What it is Cas isn't sure, respecting Dean's wishes for privacy and thus not reading his mind, but he can feel the familiar warmth of faith from the man. It breaks Castiel, knowing that he will be the one to rip it from Dean this time.

Dean grins at him and Cas carefully, deliberately doesn't smile back, and they get going.

Benny, no matter how much he teases them throughout the day while they're walking, has enough sense to give them some privacy once they stop. He grabs his weapon and mumbles something about patrolling and goes, shooting them both an unreadable glance.

It's jealousy and anger and frustration, all rolled into a horrible mix.

Dean doesn't pay much attention to it; he waves Benny off easily, warning him to be careful, and once the vampire's out of sight, he turns to Cas. "Do you think it's a bad idea to start a fire? Benny always says it's a bad idea to start a fire," he says. "Says it would lure in the monsters."

Castiel watches him; Dean reminds him now of the Dean he never actually met, the one he only knows instinctively, retrospectively; Castiel knows all of him, everything about him – even the younger Dean, the one who was not yet broken so irreparably by the weight of destiny upon his shoulders. The one who smiled easily and joked around because that's who he was, not because that's who he was supposed to be.

There's something lighter about him, something that outshines all the dark places in him.

"Yes," Cas says. "It's a bad idea."

"Damn," Dean breathes but he doesn't seem all that put out, just kicks a loose branch with the tip of his boot. "And I thought that since you're here with all those angelic powers, that I could get a little warm at least." He's smiling softly, staring at the ground in thought.

"It is because of me that we cannot make a fire, Dean," Cas explains. "We can't risk the Leviathan finding us."

"Yeah, I know," Dean says.

"I'm sorry," Cas says and Dean closes his eyes and shakes his head.

"Just shut up, man. I'd take you over making a fire any day, you know."

"I'm a liability, Dean," Cas says.

Dean takes a step closer towards him, his face hardening a little. "And I don't care," he says and he sounds and looks like the Dean Cas knows; uncompromising and fierce. "I spent a year, Cas, a _year_, running around here looking for you. I don't care, not even a little, if you're being hunted by the Leviathan or Cthulhu or the Spaghetti Monster." His face softens again as Dean exhales. "Benny says that tomorrow we should reach whatever, and then we're outta here. And the Leviathan can go suck a dick."

"A day is a plenty of time for things to go wrong," Castiel reminds him. "I could very well halt your chances of getting out, Dean."

"Our chances, Cas."

"I should not be here," Cas says.

Dean grabs his wrist as if he's afraid Cas's going to up and disappear – even though they both must be aware that Cas, despite his better judgement, couldn't do it again. It was hard enough the first time and it's downright impossible now that Cas is actually facing Dean, knowing how hard Dean fought to get to him. Even though he shouldn't have. "You're exactly where you're supposed to be," Dean says and squeezes Cas's wrist. "Right here, with me, on our way home. You understand?"

"I do," Castiel says immediately and Dean takes a step closer, reaching for Cas's other wrist.

"Do you?" he asks and kisses Cas. Just like that.

It's not rushed and rough, or slow and tentative; it's not anything, really, if maybe a little anticlimactic. Just a press of lips against lips.

Cas freezes and doesn't dare to move in case something between them breaks if he does, and Dean breaths heavily through his nose before he leans back, only far enough to speak against Castiel's lips, to bump their noses together.

"Okay?" he asks in a hushed voice, low and thick.

Castiel nods, hastily, surprised and terrified by the way - by how _much_ - he feels. "Yes," he says. "Yes, it is."

"Good," Dean breaths and smiles and kisses Cas again, stepping closer and pressing their bodies together. He's still holding his wrists down and Cas lets himself be steered, lets himself be pushed, lets himself be angled. "Come on, Cas," Dean breaths against his lips, "kiss back. Come on."

Cas closes his eyes and lets out a shaky breath – such a human, human thing to do – and stutters out, "I – "

"I know you can kiss," Dean whispers and lets go of his wrists to run his hands over Castiel's back, to pull him even closer. "I've seen you kiss Meg like a fucking porn star, Cas."

_That was someone else, that's not me anymore,_ Cas wants to say but doesn't; he captures Dean's lips then and savours the surprised moan from him instead. He feels Dean's fists tighten on the shredded coat on his back and reaches out with his own hands to embrace Dean, in a fit of selfishness.

This will all be gone soon, and Dean along with it, and Castiel _wants_ – wants Dean, wants all of him, wants everything. It's another thing Dean has inspired in him, _want_; Castiel began to want only after he raised Dean from Hell. And now he'll take what he can get, while he can get it.

Their kiss deepens and then Dean breaks away with a gasp. "We shouldn't – Benny could be back any minute – and there's – shit, we should be paying attention," he says, panting and staring at Cas with wide eyes and lips red and swollen.

"It's entirely too unfair of you to start this without the intentions of finishing it," Cas says evenly, scowling.

"Finishing," Dean repeats faintly, with only a hint of amusement, and licks his lips. "Cas, we can't exactly _finish_ it, you know? Not right now." He grabs Cas by the upper arms and squeezes; his lips form a smile, modelling it like it's a form of art, perfected by years of faking. "Tomorrow," he says, "tomorrow we're getting out and then we'll have… Then we can, Cas. Finish it. There'll be time, alright? I swear, there'll be time."

Something in Castiel softens as Dean goes rigid; he lets his breath out as Dean holds his own in, eyes squeezed shut and lips in tight line. Cas realizes, maybe for the first time, that Dean might love him, as unimaginable as it is. That love is what Castiel feels from him – not faith, not devotion, just love, pure and simple.

He also realizes that Dean has lived a year thinking Castiel was dead, and another hoping he wasn't, and feels a pang of regret. He's caused him so much pain already, and he's about to add one more injury to Dean's impressive list of mental wounds.

It's heart-shattering; Castiel's whole being trembles with it. It's the hardest thing Castiel has ever done and will ever do, but he doesn't have a choice, he doesn't. He doesn't deserve to be out, where he can cause anymore pain.

He takes Dean's face between his hands, bringing their foreheads together. "Dean," he lies, "I know." And then adds, because he thinks Dean needs to hear it, "I believe you."

He shouldn't have done any of this, shouldn't have let it go this far, but Dean needed it just as much as Castiel did. It might have been selfish of Cas to take and take like that, even though he knows he doesn't deserve a half of it, but denying Dean, Castiel thinks, would have been worse.

Cas wants to believe he has given just as much as he's received. Dean's fists are still twisted in his coat and remain there until Benny comes back a few minutes later.


End file.
